Our Long-Awaited Golden Globes Autopsy

The party of the year has wrapped! Maddeningly, the Golden Globes weren't as exhilarating as usual. Nobody was obviously hammered. There was no mooning of the audience by mischievous Hollywood legends. Eye daggers were not thrown from seething starlets in the peanut gallery at their prettier peers onstage. The stars seemed mellow. 

Worse, more than one pompous British ass (Read: Ricky Gervais and Alexa Chung) thought they were more fabulous than the show itself.

When does incorrigibility become  bullying? Well, how about when you rush right out of the gate and verbally attack Charlie Sheen before you've properly welcomed the assembled glamourpusses?  Ricky Gervais did that. Out of the blue and with no Sheen in sight--Sheen wasn't nominated this year--Gervais's comments were out of place and vicious-for-viciousness' sake--just like his pointless potshots at Hugh Hefner. I almost bit through my tongue when he went on to slam the cast of The Tourist when stars Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp were sitting front and centre.

Far, far worse, however, were Gervais's ungrateful snipes at the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, whose event this is.  Robert De Niro also mocked the foreign journalists when stumbling through his Cecil B. DeMille Award acceptance speech. Boys, let me remind you, if nobody else dare because you're too 'big' to sit still and listen: it's dreadful, dreadful manners to insult the one who invited you to dinner and a show. You accepted the invitation. Shut your pie holes and be gracious. And don't let me see you there again.

You stay home next year too, Alexa Chung. The British pre-show red carpet interviewer was clearly revelling in cracking herself up. Too bad nobody had tuned in to see her.

"Everybody's favourite nobody!" was how Chung enthusiastically described Glee's uncomfortable Matthew Morrison. That was shortly after she "knighted" Alec Baldwin, with an English-are-superior-to-dumb-grateful-Americans attitude. Baldwin, the bigger person, graciously played along so Chung didn't look a complete tool.

It was hard to know what was worse: when Chung accused Justin Bieber of doing "a bum touch" on her, but didn't offer a word of reaction to The Most Popular Boy in the Universe's shocking (and flattering) new haircut, or when she asked Glee's Jane Lynch if she'd slept with Brad Pitt. Note to Alexa: Jane's a married lesbian. We were left with the feeling that Chung hadn't done her homework properly.

And who picked out her prudish schoolmarm dress? I'm guessing Modern Family's sly Sofia Vergara. Next to Chung's Olive Oyl couture, Vergara's brothel madam get-up made the proud Latina look even more mammarianly mountainous than normal, if that's possible. (An aside: did you see how a desperate-looking Vergara was straining to see Al Pacino when he was announced as winner for You Don't Know Jack? Man, does that chick want him. Oh, sure, she's publicly and chastely said she wants Pacino to play her father on Modern Family. We're thinking it's more a case of wanting to play Who's Your Daddy? with the Oscar-winning legend. Anyway, Mr. Pacino has a gorgous young girlfriend that he loves dearly. So back off, Vergara.)

Here are some other moments we found particularly memorable: 

FASHION TREND - SHAGGY FACES

Sporting the fuzz were failed host Ricky Gervais, Golden Globe-winning supporting actor Christian Bale (The Fighter), superb actor and recovered addict Robert Downy Jr., laid back Hugh Laurie, devilish Johnny Depp, and cancer survivor (yay!) Michael C. Hall. And what's with Jeff Bridges? He shaved off his Crazy Heart/True Grit beard a few months back but it's back.You're better clean-shaven, Dude. You've got nothing to hide.

BEST DRESSED

Natalie Portman. Wearing a peach and silver Viktor & Rolf gown whose red rose adornment bloomed like her own wee pregnant belly and matched her red lippy, the radiant Best Actress winner glowed like a real movie star. Her silver necklace and impeccable updo completed the perfect classy-looking package.

WORST DRESSED

Maybe it's just my new HD television, but Sandra "I'm not dating Ryan Reynolds" Bullock, looked messy, hard, and even a little mean in scary black eyeliner peering out from under a  heavy new dark fringe. Her above-neck goth look clashed with her neck-down peach and silver Jenny Packham gown girly look. And was it Botox, or the presence of Reynolds' ex Scarlett Johansson, immobilizing her face? Whichever, our beloved Bullock appeared strained and unhappy. Get well soon.

SURPRISES:

Justin Bieber calmly sported a new shaggy bangs haircut, all the better to show off his attractive young features, and wore purple 3D eyelasses on the red carpet. Was it just me, or did he really refer to himself as the president? I love that he's a bit of a kook.The kid's got it all. 

Keith Urban, Mr. Nicole Kidman, is a Little Person. Yes, I know the towering Academy Award winning actress would be a worthy contender if they were casting for the role of Godzilla in the next re-make, but her country star hubby is still shockingly small. Nicely packaged though.

Christian Bale, who speaks "American" in his movies, was speaking with his normal English accent. Catherine Zeta Jones, who's Welsh, was speaking with an American accent. So how come only Renee Zellweger gets credit for talking differently in her flicks?

When caught on camera, The Fighter stars Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale looked like they lost their erections when Melissa Leo was named best supporting actress for their film. I guess they were up for their other, younger, prettier co-star Amy Adams to snag the prize.

Robert De Niro struggled to keep up with the teleprompter. Watching him try to read it properly throughout his Cecil B. DeMille Award acceptance speech was as cringe-making as listening to The Social Network's Andrew Garfield try repeatedly to pronounce the tongue twister, "inspiringly". But DeNiro? Seriously.

Annette Bening's short but feisty hair appeared to be exploding out of her head into every corner of the auditorium. It rivalled even Al Pacino's 4" high, teased tumbleweed. 

Aaron Sorkin, winner for best screenplay (The Social Network) thanked his assistant. That's got to be a first. Good on him.

Christine Aguilera's enormous breast implants. Didn't she used to be flat like me? Jesus H. Christ. The girl looked ready to tip over before she reached her table. I would have loved to have seen her and Sofia Vergara try to pass one another between tables. Especially if they were both making a beeline for Al Pacino.

On the red carpet, Robert Downey Jr. kept looking nervously at his female companion while he was talking, as if for reassurance that what he was saying was permitted, or correct. Is she his svengali? Is Robert in need of rescue? Robert! If you need help, call me!

MEMORABLE QUOTES

 
 "The tumour is gone and this type of cancer doesn't normally come back." --Michael Douglas, on the red carpet prior to the show. 

“There’s gotta be an easier way to get a standing ovation.”--Michael Douglas, onstage to present an award.

“Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza, for God’s sake.”--Ricky Gervais about the Sex and the City 2 cast. [This means we know how old you are too, Richard.]

"I love you darling. This one's for you"--Christian Bale, looking into the camera and speaking to his daughter after winning the best supporting actor Golden Globe.

“Were you two even born when the first Toy Story came out?"--Toy Story 3 director Lee Unkrich to category presenters Hailee Steinfeld and Justin Bieber. [For the record, 1994 baby Beiber was. Steinfeld, born in 1996, was not.]

“Seems like everything this year was in 3D, except the characters in The Tourist.”--Ricky Gervais 

“I don’t know if an actress can do her best work until I've slept with her…Julianne."--Robert Downey Jr., introducing the Best Actress--Musical or Comedy award. [Corrected from my earlier slight misquote. Sorry.] 

“I’m so glad you’re the boss of me”—Katey Sagal, winner of Best Actress, TV Series--Drama (Sons of Anarchy), to husband Kurt Sutter, the show's creator.

“Honey, look around. Smart girls have more fun. You’re one of them”--Motion Picture screenplay winner Aaron Sorkin (The Social Network), to his daughter during his acceptance speech.

"Our first presenter is beautiful, talented and Jewish, apparently”--Ricky Gervais, introducing Scarlett Johansson and making a face.

“I salute the great nation of Canada” – Paul Giametti, winner of Best Actor in a Motion Picture--Comedy or Musical.

AW-W-W MOMENTS

The prolonged Standing O for Michael Douglas, who looked hale and hearty after months of treatment for throat cancer.

Proud papa Joe Mantegna, damp-eyed when stunning daughter Gia Mantegna was introduced as Miss Golden Globes 2011. Joe's tearing up didn't have a bead on Paul Sorvino’s blubbering when daughter Mira won the Oscar years ago, but his obvious emotion was still very nice indeed. 

Angelina Jolie conscientiously adjusting Brad Pitt’s bowtie, while he sat without fidgeting. Later, Angie resting her head on Brad’s shoulder as they watched the show.

When accepting her Best Actress Award, The Kids Are All Right actress Annette Bening thanked the 1962 winner of the most promising actor Golden Globe--her husband Warren Beatty. In the audience, Beatty looked tickled pink. 

Presenter Kaley Cuoco, crying, clapping, and barely containing herself when her The Big Bang Theory co-star Jim Parsons won the award for Best Actor in a TV Series--Musical or Comedy. Something you're not telling us, Kaley? 

Temple Grandin jubilantly hugging Claire Danes tightly when the actress won for portraying her autistic trailblazer in the TV movie Temple Grandin.

COUPLE WHO COULD ONLY WORK IN THE MOVIES

Presenters Geoffrey Rush, eccentric in a black hat and dark round glasses, taking the stage with the androgynous, concave, otherwordly Tilda Swinton. You would really only find these two in acting, wouldn’t you? I mean, you wouldn’t pop over to the finance department at work to be reimbursed and find them totting up receipts. Or competing in speedskating at the Olympics. Or teaching social studies. Rush and Swinton, brilliant actors both, and super weird to look at, were lucky to find the craft.

And we're damn lucky to have all of the above entertaining us. Until next year. Good night!